It's 4:26am, Thursday the moment I started to write (type..) this.

Long time no see, huh? :p Come to say hello and looks like this brat is still alive, what a relieve.

What am I doing.. I was just continue to read that manga online that I haven't finished reading since forever, the childhood story that I never know the ending (It's Fruits Basket btw, Chapter 95 now) When suddenly reminiscence of and went to check on a few of my favorite blogs that haven't been visited for a while.

Then it's turning into a blogwalking feast (well, not really.. Just several sites), and that's when I realized how I missed this.

This activity that I used to do daily.

Blogwalking, leave a footprint, comment on a couple of posts, then say things along the line of "Singgah sini dan follow #456 ^^", that was me a couple of years back.

The me in depression phase, the me who didn't go to school, at all.

I thought I won't come here again, this place is full of past memories, I even make this blog private for some time because of many stupid things that I put here, I thought.. I thought I'll never come here again. So what am I doing now, writing meaningless things over and over again?

Since that moment, my appearance, body changed, my age increased, and my grammar(and vocabulary) decreased, by A LOT. That's what happen when you didn't practiced it in a long time, even in my journal, it's all ruined. The grammar is all ruined, it's up to the point that I didn't even bother to care about it anymore :'v WARNING: A ton of broken grammar ahead.

And yet, has anything changed in my school life? Do I even have it to begin with?

School Chronology (And suddenly whoops, history time. Sigh I dunno it's so random and sudden)

2009-2013 - Not boasting or anything, but I'm the obedient, intelligent, primary schooler that's loved by the teachers, your typical smart, nice, nerdy kid at school that always  got number 1 in examinations, unless that I didn't wear spectacles, heh.

2014 - It happened. It's supposed to be an important year, the big exam is just around the corner. Yet I arrived late everyday, didn't finished the homework AT ALL, and skipped the school for like, forever. Since the 3rd month afterward, if I'm not mistaken. 

-At the beginning, when I just started to act up, they ask why and what's the solution. I'm, while watching RM on TV2, half-heartedly just agree along with the plan when they want to sent me to the school mom work at. Which.. Only last for 2 days, lel. (Could you imagine.. After buying the badge furthermore when I saw how chaotic that morning is at the office, for the sake my enrollment, that barely lasts.) For a more detailed story; this is not the time or place for it, thank you. So I stayed at home the whole year and only came back to that place when it's time to take UPSR. (But 02-batch have to repeated it remember? Which means longer time at school, yayyy)


2015 - After a chaotic, messed up year (and the year I started this blog, too. Ha) My wish to the boarding school cannot be fulfilled, with 4A1B as a result and no major co-curricular activities that could back it up at all, I proceed my secondary high school in an all-girls, prestige school. Top 10 in this town, it's prestige isn't it?

-But before that, my father has already registered and buy the books and all at my brother's ex-daily high school, why he did that, what did we do to the books, long story, etc etc

-It last until Jun/July? I said I want to get transferred to a 'Sekolah Agama', when asked by the teachers on why I want to quit the school. They have already arranged the date of interview, just it's me who didn't want to go on that date, after all effort mom made to has that interview.. Another long story, blablabla. Boom another year of 'staying home doing nothing but mereput'

(Not really 'doing nothing', I mean I abandoned my school life but at the same time, July 2015 I discovered and observed into the diamonds' life, (If you don't know yet, by that I mean Seventeen, the k-pop group. *the word k-pop still disgusts me tho, but I have to write it to let you know*) which is my only life, 24/7 with them, thinking about them, praise me, ha. (Don't worry, back then, yes it's an obsession, but now I managed to only put them in my hands, I've removed them from my heart a long time ago, since they became famous and didn't need a trash like me anymore...) //Sorry I was just blabbering here//

2016 - My secondary school only last half a year on form 1, and during this year's Ramadhan, for some reason my heart is opened to get into school again. So I tell mom. (There are many complex, insecurities feelings and thoughts for months before I was able to tell her though.. Don't go around thinking I mindlessly said it.) 

She has already asked multiple times if I'm really are serious about it. It's my last chance, she says. Father has meet the Jabatan too many times, sikit-sikit berhenti sekolah, sikit-sikit pindah sekolah, sikit-sikit proceed ke sekolah lain, Jabatan has to arrange it all. And father has to thick-facedly face them every single time. About this delinquent/problemed daughter of his. (Dahlah my father kerja audit sekolah..) I promised her, I will do.

And so we searched for another school available. It's far, it's fairly new(2011), and it doesn't have my old schoolmates at all, the exact criteria I want in a school. I want to start over, I say. (I say that EVERY SINGLE TIME as an excuse of changing school.. Like the words are meaningless now)

The first week, I come crying to mom every night, about school. How scared I am of the word 'tomorrow'. Anxiety all over, you wouldn't understand just by words. But it's too long to explain how I truly feels at those times. And yet I proceed day by day, until the 8th day (I enter in Friday).

Once again, here I am.. The 2nd week of school, this week, 2nd week of August 2016, I didn't go at all, since Monday. Mom isn't furious as she used to be anymore. Probably because she had experience for some times before, this is not new to this family. I was known as the trouble-maker that refused to go to school. (Believe me, 2014 is a scary phase with so many heart-broken moments, how she would cry beside me on my bed, coaxing this rock head of mine to wake up, rise and shine, and go to school, study. [It's not entirely my fault though, I had gangguan jin, remember? And that jin wouldn't let me sleep at night; Subuh is his bedtime, as the ustads say.]) 

But rather, this time she's frustrated and disappointed, at me. Her first reaction; "Dah agak dah.. Tolonglah jangan buat macam ni. Mak, abah letih tahu. Sakit, dada ni. Mak ingat doa mak dah dikabulkan dah..", 

Congratulations, I, once again, has been nothing but trouble. Since 2002. She prayed everyday for me. So that I would go to school like other kids, every single day, since two years ago. I know, she told me so when we finally chosen my 'so-called future school' (She's truly hopeful at the moment, after I promised to stay consistence. But I'm not. Please, you just couldn't believe this human, she'll only broke your heart even more.)


This is just a chronology about my school life. My feelings, the reasons, the in-depth of what happen in it is too long.. Far too long. I know there's many cliffhanger/unfinished/messed-up/incomprehensible points but. I'm.

Shhhs why did I even brought up this topic at the first place. But I've wrote this far. Might as well just publish it, I don't care anymore. Sorry for anything and everything.
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Um.. I want to write about last night's dream. Usually i just wrote it all in my journal(diary) that have only 6 pages left (good job, me) but this one is kinda.. Disturbing? My journal have so many contents in it, you name it; horny, novel ideas, some scribbling, including dream journal, but it's all is 'myself'. I don't know... Myself is that happy, cheerful, loud and annoying little brat of the family. But THIS side.

..Barniyah Ammara. The name I gave to 'this' side when I was in the depression phase. Long story, you don't wanna hear it and I don't want to write it, thanks a lot. This straightforward, (still) annoying and all those 'bad' side, I blame it to Barniyah Ammara. Yes, personality complex or whatever you call it.

Enough with the intro. I have the urge to share this story like; REALLY. But not to 'myself's family or to 'myself'; but to Barniyah Ammara. Again, thanks a lot. Warning; MAY be disturbing. And no, I didn't watch horror movies in ages since I was like; 11? All of the 'inside jokes' I'll explain it in [brackets]. 
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